Guest Blog by Kate Madson

Receiving help can be challenging. I’m comfortable borrowing a friend’s trailer since I previously took care of her cat, or asking a neighbor to drop my books at the library since I would pick up his auction item at church. But sometimes reciprocity is unlikely. I can’t “repay” the companionship I received in a hospital waiting room late at night, or the loan of an entire house for visiting family, or the Christmas presents on my front bench the year my husband died.

Why is receiving help so difficult? We don’t like to appear needy or weak; our society applauds independence. We might doubt the giver’s sincerity, worry they have an ulterior motive, or fear we’ll be overly indebted. We may feel that we’re imposing. But that is so seldom the case! In a time of need, we frequently fail to remember our own satisfaction when we give. The person who provides help receives a lot in return.

We all feel good about helping others when it comes from our heart. Yet we often forget that others feel just the same. Sure, there are Scrooges – but more often than not, people want to be there for others if they can. Most of the time, people are genuine. And by admitting our vulnerability, we make space for others to soften and do the same.

An inability or refusal to receive help can leave us empty and even resentful. Relationships can be harmed by failing to acknowledge the kindness that another has to offer. What’s more, we steal someone’s chance to experience the joy of giving. For every giver, there has to be a receiver. For every person who wants to help, there has to be someone to accept help. All of us have an innate desire to make people happy, especially the people we love. Why would we deny someone the chance to be that giver?

My suggestion, then, is to remember the satisfactions of being helpful and generous, and then to ask for support if needed and allow those who offer to give it. Take heart in the midst of difficulty: being useful to you will be beneficial to others. Those who care about you will feel good about caring for you.

Asking for and accepting help shows trust and respect. If you receive an offer or a compliment, consider the intention and affection that motivated it, then believe it and say thank you. Expressing gratitude delights the giver by indicating you appreciate their time and effort. Paying kindness forward when you are able enlarges the circle of generosity. In such giving and receiving there is mutuality, dignity and pride.

For over 30 years I’ve kept and appreciated a partial newspaper article, though its author is missing. It reads:

“…our capacity for happiness is only as great as our ability to give and express love. [Here are] twelve routes by which to channel those feelings:

1. The gift of time.
2. The gift of a good example.
3. The gift of acceptance.
4. The gift of seeing the best in people.
5. The gift of privacy.
6. The gift of self-esteem.
7. The gift of giving up a bad habit.
8. The gift of self-disclosure.
9. The gift of helping someone learn something new.
10. The gift of really listening.
11. The gift of fun.
12. The gift of letting others give to you.”

I value each item on the list, but when it’s hard for me to say “I can’t manage,” the last entry supplies insight and encouragement. Pass it on.