Guest Blog by Betty Oppenheimer
Betty Oppenheimer has been a QUUF member for 25 years and has served in more capacities than we can count, including Board President, Youth Group Advisor, two Search Committees (for Bruce Bode and Nan Geer), Coming of Age Mentor, Welcoming Congregation, and just about every committee that has to do with policy, finance, food, and ministry. Suffice it to say, she has a tremendous grasp of the history, culture, and structure of QUUF. This gives her a unique perspective well worth reading.
Note: The photo on the left is from her work on the cornerstone of the new sanctuary.
As Unitarian Universalists, we commit to respecting a wide range of beliefs and opinions. So it is with dismay that I find we are currently “taking sides” on various issues. But taking sides does not serve us at QUUF. I believe that we are more mature than that – that as liberals in a liberal community, we have the ability to hold many ideas at one time, and to accept that each of us has not only the right, but the obligation, to form our own beliefs and to allow them to evolve.
It seems to me that the philosophical differences being expressed are mere degrees apart, and not worth the destruction of friendships or the congregation. As I hear people preaching their particular version of “what is right,” it feels like proselytizing. That worries me. I have always believed, and our principles teach us, that we each engage in our own individual search for truth and meaning, but we have no right to tell anyone else what to believe. Although I know that all of the people engaged in these conflicts mean well, they sound a bit arrogant and fundamentalist to me.
I assert that the health of the congregation trumps individual priorities. We know that we do not all believe the same things. So why are some of our members in-fighting? We need to stop trying to “win our case,” and accept that there is diversity of thought among our very smart members. Accepting and allowing other opinions to thrive in parallel to our own makes us stronger, not weaker. How boring would we be if we all believed exactly the same things?
Having been a member of QUUF for 25 years, I have experienced much conflict in this beloved community, and I have learned the power of community decision-making. Although it is time-consuming and sometimes excruciating, when we listen to each other, we hear the logic of the other (even if we don’t agree with them), and we feel their humanity. In the end, for the good of the organization, no one gets everything they want, but everyone chooses what is right for QUUF to remain strong.
Watching the January 6 Washington DC insurrection, we all had a glimpse of the fragility of our democracy. And in the past few years, I have had glimpses of the fragility of QUUF. Those of us who built this organization (and who knew the elders who are no longer with us) fully comprehend that QUUF is fragile, too. We are only as strong as our members, their bonds of love, and their willingness to pledge to keep the organization solvent. With these recent conflicts, I hear more and more people saying, “I am stepping back, and I’m not sure if I want to stay involved with QUUF.” The tension is driving people away.
We saw the impact of decreased financial pledges when COVID-19 began – we had to lay off almost our entire staff. If our history of successful stewardship campaigns suffers as a result of our own stubbornness, we could lose this beloved community. In a financial crunch, could we return to the days when everything was done by volunteers? Certainly, with that kind of pressure, our numbers would shrink, and we might grow too small to be able to cover our financial obligations.
I don’t mean to scare people. I only know that while QUUF may feel like an organization that has always, and will always exist, that is not guaranteed. It depends on the behavior of our members – their willingness to engage in constructive conversation, to accept one another, to listen, to pledge time and money, and to compromise.
On a Personal Note…
Perhaps you are interested in my personal opinions on these issues. Here’s what I have to say, though I fully expect that we will not all agree, and any decisions will have to be made democratically.
Somehow in our congregation, two factions have formed – anti-racism and free speech – that for some, have come to be viewed as polar opposites. To me, that’s like saying you have to believe either in apples or oranges. I think that everyone is right; it’s just a matter of individual priorities. These two legitimate passions can exist in tandem. They certainly do in my own mind.
As far as anti-racism work is concerned, Unitarian Universalists should be able to agree that all humans are created equal. And we should gladly allow those who are passionate about this issue to pursue eradicating systemic racism wholeheartedly.
When it comes to ALPs, I don’t think we need to fear it. Learning about anything, whether it is “good” or “bad” in our UU universe, can only benefit us. Education is power. It is imperative that we, as a congregation, discuss the questions posed by the ALPs committee when it decided to suspend classes for the fall semester. These are questions about who we are as a community, and they deserve our attention. When will these discussions begin?
On the other hand, I believe that QUUF is a religious institution, not a community center. And I believe that part of the reason behind our exponential growth has to do with free ALPs classes, and free use of the building. Growing our congregation should happen when people feel a connection to our UU values, not to our liberal building policies. Perhaps the public library is the right place for classes that make our members uncomfortable. Perhaps having our building available for church-related meetings is more important than offering a free university. That is for the membership to decide.
Whether you are in the pulpit, serving on the board, teaching a class, or a long-time or a newly-joined member, we are all on the same side, and that side is a spectrum of individual choices and strong opinions. Our work is to find a balance that is as inclusive as possible.
When we act as a unified congregation with many varying stances, we are a beacon for the larger community. Let’s get past this bickering and seek our truths together.
Betty, a few of your comments speak directly to the division that is taking place. What we don’t like to do as UU’s is be impolite. From my experience civility is an important value at the QUUF. To have a contrary opinion in these hypersensitive times that we are living in is seen as a personal attack and threat by some. Some now believe that the sole role of the QUUF is to advocate for social justice with a very narrow, very specific approach to anti racism work. Others believe that the mission of the QUUF should be broader and more inclusive more multifaceted than putting all of our eggs in one basket and I agree when you say, “As Unitarian Universalists, we commit to respecting a wide range of beliefs and opinions.” “Religion” may be different from political activism. We know historically what happens when politics and religion merge.
My experience from being involved in presenting numerous classes through ALP’s these past 11 or so years has been that ALP’s has been dedicated to, as you say, “…respecting a wide range of beliefs and opinions.” The problem as I have heard it, is that this approach by ALP’s, which has worked so well for hundreds of people who have taken classes, over the years is now being challenged by some who would like to assume the role of censorship as to how wide “a range of beliefs and opinions” are acceptable. This has not been an issue in the past, but it is now. The ALP’s committee has historically acted with great decorum, following our 7 principles, in overseeing the classes presented.
I agree with you Betty when you say “…each of us has not only the right, but the obligation, to form our own beliefs and to allow them to evolve.” When I joined the QUUF that was a cornerstone of UU’ism as I understood it. But when one is now in a class that is titled as “Listen and Learn” and other viewpoints and questioning are actively discouraged, it becomes difficult to “… form our own beliefs and to allow them to evolve.”
I also particularly appreciate your comment, “Accepting and allowing other opinions to thrive in parallel to our own makes us stronger, not weaker. How boring would we be if we all believed exactly the same things?” I have multiple times requested that we entertain the many ideas currently being discussed in the Black community in regards to antiracism work rather than the single narrow approach being offered by the UUA. In public emails by fellow congregants I have been compared to George Wallace and Strom Thurmond for asking to hear these other voices.
We are in strange times, Betty. I don’t wish to “take sides” or preach “what is right.” I don’t wish to contribute to the division within the QUUF but something is happening here that is odd. I hope that by writing this I am not going to be considered as someone “trying to win our case” but I agree with you that “democracy is fragile” whether on the national political scene, on the national level of the UUA or locally here in our fellowship. I hope we are not adopting the polarizing intolerance for opposing opinions that we see on the national level in our politics. I think we can go a long way in avoiding polarization here by allowing ALP’s to do what it has done so well for so many years for so many people in our community. Allow it to carry on with its traditional democratic work of “A free and responsible search for truth and meaning.” Thank you sincerely, Betty in your attempt to bring these issues to light.
Betty, I am happy that you have brought some of these issues to the congregation for discussion. I think that most of us, but maybe not all, see QUUF as a religious institution, not just a community center. But what do we mean by “a religious institution”? For many of us it has meant a place where we seek to clarify our highest values. And that seeking may lead us in many directions – a richer spiritual life, greater understanding of the needs for social action, experiences with the deeper meaning of beauty in human creations as well as in the natural world, challenges with the intellectual wonder of the cosmos we live in, or simply joy in the company of active thinkers, doers and be-ers. This has been the mission and program of the ALPs program for the past 17 years I have been a QUUF member and I would contend that it is church related. I don’t think people enroll because classes are free but because it provides another avenue for them to pursue their religious journeys, however they define them. And it seems to have been very successful. Certainly there are ideas which make some people uncomfortable. But people vote with their feet. If they are not interested, they don’t sign up. If they don’t like what they are hearing or feel it is poorly done, they don’t return. Let’s let them make those judgments.
So well said! Thank you Betty. I hope your blog is widely read.
Thanks, Betty, for your wise words!
I sincerely hope that we can continue to come together within QUUF to learn, to share, to question, and to grow.
I support everything you said except the moving to the library things that make some of our folks uncomfortable. This is treating them like children. And it weakens our open discussion of controversial issues. Bring on all subjects.
Kathleen, well said! ALPS is what brought me to QUUF in the first place, and the spirit of open, respectful discussion and mutual investigation and learning. Such heartfelt seeking, without anybody “ruling the roost,” is essential to spiritual growth in a liberal religious context. No! Not at the library or community center or in the park or somebody’s home – right here in the building we built and maintain to house all our souls together.
Thank you Betty for writing such a thoughtful blog shedding a clear light on the current situation. I, too, agree that meeting in person is the way to go for people to come together so that they can experience their commonalities, discuss their differences, and find a solution that satisfactorily meets the needs of WHOLE QUUF community. Given their new air system as well as most of the now congregation being vaccinated, these meetings would be safe if everyone kept their masks on and were socially distanced. Probably safer than riding a bicycle through town to get to the meeting.
As Betty said, there must be conversation and communication or we just get more polarized. I am eager for opportunities to have open and supportive listening and sharing sessions where we get past “this side-that side.” I have lots of questions, some things I’ve read or heard haven’t quite settled for me, I’m curious. I need a chance to sit with others to learn and share.
I’m also personally adamant that this is the time to lean into QUUF instead of moving away. If the tension of the infighting is causing too much anguish then perhaps find other ways to connect with QUUF. Covid has taken so much from us, what a shame if we let our own lack of tolerance for uncomfortable feelings drive us away from people we care about and the community we’ve built.
Celeste and Dick, “who decides or how do we as a whole decide what is comfortable and what is not comfortable for us to ponder?”
One question to ask is ‘Who is uncomfortable and why?” If we are to move forward in dismantling the injustice of racial and other oppressions, I feel it is critical that we re-examine how we listen to people who are traditionally marginalized. I am trying to learn to weigh that listening more heavily than my discomfort as a person in the dominate culture who has led a life with a backpack of privilege. It is new for me, and hard work. But I feel that people who have spent their lives on the margins of our white dominate culture deserve more respect than we have shown them as a society.
Thank you, Betty, for your heartfelt appeal to remember our historic connections. I expect you recall that old UU tag line that proudly proclaimed, “You have answers? We have questions!” Somewhere along the line, we have discovered answers and become uncomfortable with questions. This is dividing us. Let us not outsource our questions to the library; let us remember how to embrace them.
There seems to be some confusion on this issue. It would be a good one for a respectful, in-person discussion.
Thank you, Betty, for sharing your care, wisdom and perspective with us. There is no doubt that we have a sound basis and history to move forward and weather any storm, albeit a pandemic or sometimes uncomfortable topics. As you stated, we grow stronger through these times by facing them and not turning away or shuffling them under the carpet or off to the library. We are strong enough to embrace all of the likenesses and differences that come to bare! There seems to be some doubt about this. If this is true, then who decides or how do we as a whole decide what is comfortable and what is not comfortable for us to ponder?
Thank you, Betty, for these wise words. We need to start talking with each other respectfully, and listening, soon, before the differences begin to appear too large to resolve.
Thanks for the wise words that needed to be said
In response to Dan Servos’ question asking “what planet” Betty comes from — I’d say from Planet Wisdom — from there, vision is far-reaching, insightful, fair-minded and paradigm-shifting. And communication is kind and respectful. And with 13 very positive responses already expressed (as I write), Betty’s belief that we are “only degrees apart” is evident. I think we get there (to Planet Wisdom) by doing as Betty and others have suggested, by recognizing that we are all on the same side, and by understanding that a community — whether it is QUUF, our wider local or national community, or our planet Earth, is more than the sum of our individual(ist) parts, and that striving for the common good is in all our best interests.
Well done. I hope we can your ideas into practice and keep QUUF together. I have invested a huge amount of time in this organization and I don’t want it to go for nothing, Thanks for saying what needed to be said. You are a true leader!.
Thanks for clearly expressing how I also think.
Well said Betty! I really appreciate your comments!
“as liberals in a liberal community, we have the ability to hold many ideas at one time, and to accept that each of us has not only the right, but the obligation, to form our own beliefs and to allow them to evolve.” Beautifully stated. Great blog, Betty! Thank you!
Wow, Betty, I am almost speechless… You have captured my heart and mind and have comprehensively articulated just exactly what needs to be said and what we have hungered to hear. In reading carefully between the lines, however, I am left with two unanswered questions: 1) WHAT PLANET DID YOU COME FROM, and 2) HOW DO I GET THERE?!! 🙂
Dear dear Betty, Your words are so important for me (and I hope all of us) to hear. I cherish and am inspired by them. Thanks for reminding us who we can be when it matters… and a unified QUUF matters.
“On the other hand, I believe that QUUF is a religious institution, not a community center.” … “Perhaps the public library is the right place for classes that make our members uncomfortable.” YES YES YES. And yes to everything else you said as well. Thank you for your eloquent and balanced words.
Thank you Betty. You have done an excellent job of addressing this important issue. Kudos to you for offering your thoughts in this blog.
Betty hit the nail on the head repeatedly here. Kudos.
Betty speaks for me. Not just in what she says but is how she says it: articulate, kind, thoughtful, and grounded on a lifetime of experience.
Amen, Betty!
Thank you for your wise and clear analysis of the apparent divisions that seem to threaten our beloved community!
Thanks Betty for sorting through many controversial issues
right now.
I appreciate listening to all sides of a problem without being defensive.
It takes an open mind to be able to accept uncomfortable
ideas and in spite of being not part of your own value system
the right for others to respect and honor those. Your thoughts
touch on all of these ..Thanks !
Thank you, Betty. Your clear and respectful statements help me understand where we are and what we need to do. Coming together with more interpersonal communication and increased respect is needed.
Thanks, Betty. Your wise and accepting approach is central to the values of the UU tradition. I would add one small objection to the current controversy. I do not think “making someone uncomfortable” should ever be a criterion for objecting to an ALPs class. I’m sure that many of Emerson’s and Thoreau’s ideas made more than a few stodgy Concord church members “uncomfortable.” Such a criterion is hopelessly subjective and unmeasurable.
Yes !
There is some significant confusion on this issue. It’s a good one for a respectful ,in-person discussion.