Guest Blog by Renee Neugent
Yesterday on my bike ride to work, a light drizzle was falling. It was just enough to feel refreshing on my still drowsy face and not hard enough to get in my eyes. The temperature was pleasant, and the pre-dawn streets were peaceful.
Near the end of my commute, I have to make a left turn to get to the elementary school where I work. I merged into the empty car lane at which point an angry driver in a pickup truck accelerated from the four-way stop behind me, yelled out his window, and revved his engine as he passed me. I could find no reason for this person to be angry with me, and it shook me up a bit. As so often happens, I found the fear turning into anger.
Just the day before, I had led my students through a mindfulness activity in which they were guided to send positive thoughts to themselves, a friend, and someone they don’t get along with. Many students found that last prompt to be challenging, replacing the words of kindness towards their ‘enemies’ with statements like “I’ll punch you in the face.”
Here I was, falling into the same trap as my students. As I pedaled up the driveway to park my bike at the back of the school, I began to rehearse in my mind the story I would tell my co-teacher about the reckless angry driver. All of a sudden, I realized that I was allowing this one event that had not actually caused me any harm to erase the pleasant bike ride I had experienced and put me in a foul mood. I could easily see myself passing that anger on to my students and coworkers through impatient remarks and overreactions.
With my students and my own children, I say over and over how our behavior creates the kind of world we live in. Each action of ours tends to create a similar reaction in those around us, that then spreads out like a chain reaction. Kindness tends to beget kindness, and rudeness tends to beget rudeness.
Emotions have seemed particularly raw and fragile lately. Here we are, approaching two years of pandemic life, which piggy backed on the already heighted political and social tensions exposed during the previous presidency. This is a good moment to remember the lessons we teach to our children: that together, we create the world we live in. Breaking negative emotional chains and choosing kindness instead can be hard – it requires mindfulness and intention – but it can be done.
That day, parking my bike, I took a few deep breaths. Then, quietly sang a couple rounds of the UU hymn Meditation on Breathing by Sarah Dan Jones:
When I breathe in, I breathe in Peace
When I breathe out, I breathe out Love
Feeling much calmer, I entered the building. My co-teacher (who had walked to school herself) greeted me and asked if I had biked to work. I said, “Yes.” She commented, “It was beautiful out there this morning, wasn’t it?” I smiled and replied, “Yes, yes it was.”
Thank you. I needed to hear your story this week.
Thank you, Renee. A beautiful reminder that we can choose how to feel and react.
my morning mantra: My Religion is Kindness – the Dalai Lama
loved your story, Renee.
Thanks for the beautiful story and reminder. And YES, singing is an amazing way to step into that different mind space!
Wonderful, Renee, and so relevant to all we are going through at QUUF and in wider society. Let’s rise above anger — which so often results from fear, and look to that bigger picture and all that connects us. If enough of us try, we will make a difference.
Dear Renee,
thank you for sharing your heartfelt thoughts to your students and
creating a better more positive world for our students.You are such a fine
example of living life with deep mindfulness and intention.Bravo!
Thank you so very much Renee.Much appreciated.
“Breaking negative emotional chains and choosing kindness instead can be hard–it requires mindfulness and intention–but it can be done.” It’s true. There is a lot of gold to be mined, thinking about how a behavior was adaptive in a previous stage or setting, but not so at another age or time. Thank you, Renee. Your article provides such good examples of adapting in the moment. And helping your students build that capacity.
“Breaking negative emotional chains and choosing kindness instead can be hard–it requires mindfulness and intention–but it can be done.” It’s true. There is a lot of gold to be mined, thinking about how a behavior was adaptive in a previous stage or setting. Thank you, Renee. Your article provides such good examples of adapting in the moment. And helping your students build that capacity.
It’s been my experience that kindness doesn’t always beget kindness and rudeness doesn’t always beget rudeness. That may happen a great deal of the time but I don’t believe we have control over others responses. That is their choice just as how we respond to rudeness with kindness can be our choice. Being kind always makes me feel better and, at the same time, I don’t want to give anyone else power to make me feel bad because they don’t react as expected. Though, of course, being human, I often do anyway. Thanks for a lovely story.
Renee,
Thank you for your loving reminder that we do have
a choice in the paths we take. I hope to remember yours.
Thank you , Renee, for your timely reminder that we are what we think & how we react to those around us & to our environment. These are indeed challenging times. It’s easy to simply blame others. As Carl Jung said from a similar perspective: “Your vision will only become clear when you look inside your won heart. Who looks outside dreams. Who looks inside awakes.” Breath in peace, breath out love – indeed!
In about 1970, I was in a car with two other friends. We all had long hair and they had beards. When we stopped at a traffic light, a clean-cut fellow pulled up beside us and yelled something nasty. So, tempting as it was to give him “the finger”, we gave him the peace sign instead. He smiled as he drove away.
Renee I’m so glad someone else remembers the four years of disparaging remarks and divisive actions made by the highest elected official in our country. Recently I had PTSD again, a dejavue, from his influence and years in office. Thank you for sharing a practice we all need during this time. Kind thoughts, kind words, kind world.
I’ve always loved the way your entire family radiates peace. Now I understand why! Thank you, Renee, for sharing your practice and giving us these insights.
Oh thank you, Renee. Yes! What a beautifully stated reminder that although we often cannot avoid situations where others’ actions are not congruent with our own personal choices, anger has no place in our reaction. Nor does outright rejection of others. It’s wonderful that you are helping young minds and souls learn how to accept all others. These are spiritual skills we UUs need especially now, when some are reacting against others and trying to exclude them from fellowship only because of differences in beliefs.